Toolbox Tuesday: School Introductions

How is it that summer can go from feeling so long and daunting to being almost gone?!  Teacher friends are already heading back to the classroom to begin putting the rooms together- and that means the start of school is just around the corner.

In today's Tool Box Tuesday- a creative way to introduce yourself and your family to your child's new or even re-introduce to an old team.  I wish I could remember who to give credit for for the idea- as it certainly isn't mine, but has been bouncing around in special education circles for as long as I can remember.

We know we all want the very best for our kids- and for the best to start day one, not week three.  One way to start on the best foot possible is to introduce your kiddo to your team... in a fun and creative way.  IEPs are filled with details and information, but no one would mistake them for a good fun read that gives you a personalized flavor of a child and family.

Consider writing a letter to child's team, from your child's point of view.  Depending on the current abilities of your child, they might also participate.  Fill the letter with important details about your child that someone who knew him/her would know and that would make your child feel more comfortable in their class and in their relationship with their new team.  Favorite color, food, memory.  Favorite things to talk about.  Sensory things to avoid or increase.  Signs that he/she is feeling really comfortable or distressed.  Communication strengths. Here is an example-

Dear Miss Smith,

My name is John.  I am really excited, and kind of nervous to be starting 1st grade.  I look forward to getting to know you - here is a little about me.

-My favorite color is green.  When given a choice, it's usually the color I pick and it makes me feel really good.  I color with green a lot.

-You'll know I'm feeling really happy and comfortable when my body is moving slow and my hands are calm.  If you see me start to move fast, it usually means I need a break.  A quick shoulder rub sometimes also helps.

-I really want to make you proud and work hard.  Sometimes I have trouble following when you talk.  If you write it down for me it makes it much easier for me to listen.  I also sometimes need a little extra time to process what you say.

I think this will be a great year and I can't wait to learn new things!
Sincerely,
John

It's a great do no harm strategy in that it can be really helpful, especially at creating a collaborative relationship, and it's also not going to harm anything.  While personalizing the letter about/with your child- do keep it to one page.

Next Tool Box Tuesday we'll chat about similar letters written from you, the parent.

ToolBox Tuesday: The Always/Never Rule

Aloha,

After a Monday holiday Tuesday never feels quite right.  It dons too much of a Monday mentality.  So for this Toolbox Tuesday I'm bringing back an oldie but a goodie from 2013 that is a bit of an extension of last week's Kids Do Well If They Can.

So without further ado... the Always/Never Rule

"How could he not know it?!  We do it every single day!  It's always the same."

And there in lies the clue.  Always.

"It doesn't seem to matter, he never does it."

Ah, another clue.  Never.

These situations of absolutes- always... never... tell us that we are operating above our child's competence.  Kids (and adults) do well if they can.  So if a child is never or always doing something in a situation... it means they're not there yet to meet our expectation.  And that's ok.  We can change and bring them up to it.

And this is important, because while failure can be a motivator for success... too much failure is a recipe for incompetence and a motivation depressant.  And kids are very perceptive.  They recognize when they are not meeting expectation.

So what can we do?  We can close the gap.

Sometimes closing the gap means nixing what we're asking/expecting... for now.  Sometimes it means changing the environment or how we ask so that your child can experience success.

Here are a few examples-

     Never comes or responds when spoken to from a different room.  

What can we change?  Where we ask from!  No sense in continuing to ask for a response from a different room when he never responds.  Not only can it be very frustrating to the adult, it's also a failed scenario for the child.  Find the distance... and modality that the child can be successful from.  Start there and then begin moving farther away.

   Always has difficulty following his night time routine.

What can we change?  How much responsibility the child has for the routine.  What's needed from us for the child to start having more successes?  A visual check list?  Us to sing a song during the routine? A change of routine?

As the ratio begins to change at the child has more successes you can increase the complexity and expectations and build upon those successes.  It's a win win for everyone.

What are the Always/Never scenarios in your home?  What could be changed so that everyone could have more success?

Got a Question or Topic for Tool Box Tuesday?  Email rdimaui at gmail dot com.


And here's the annoying yet very true disclaimer- each kiddo is unique- take the tools and adjust them for your particular needs. :)

Toolbox Tuesday: Foundations for Understanding Behavior

I had the great pleasure of chatting with an old colleague of mine yesterday and we spent some time talking about all our oldies but goodies.  The resources, research and perspectives that never go out of style.   The perspectives that provide an overarching guide no matter what your focus.  As you dive into autism interventions you will find such a variety.  No matter the path that works best for your family, the foundational perspectives that guide you have a profound effect on everyone involved.

Over the next few Tool Box Tuesdays, I will be spotlighting the foundational perspectives that my work is rooted in.  When I pause to consider what the theme is that runs through them all I see a theme of respect of the individual.  And one might think, well gosh, that must be a theme that runs through all foundations.  But in my experience consulting with a wide variety of teams, this is not always the case.  Respect for the individual begins always with the social work motto of "starting where the person is" and grows from there with learning who the person is, who the person wants to be.  Recognizing their strengths and recognizing their right to a developmentally based approach tailored to their unique needs.

And so I've digressed from what I consider one of the foundations to understanding behavior:  Kids do well if they can- a motto - and then entire philosophy coined by Dr. Ross Greene.  Give the clip a look see below, then we'll discuss a little bit more how this plays out as a foundation.

Alright, "Kids do well if they can" fundamentally different from the foundation of "Kids do well if they wanna".  Let's first consider the extremely different roles these two philosophies put us, the adults in.  As he says, from a Kids do well if they wanna perspective I'm left with the increased motivation role and explaining the behaviors from a "testing limits", oppositional standpoint.  Let's take a moment to consider how this makes us feel.  As parents, we've all fallen into the kids do well if they wanna perspective and been left feeling like, "wooo, they are just trying to push my buttons today!".  Chances are with that narrative our own level of stress is going to rise and in turn this will impact our response repertoire by limiting it.  No matter your parenting philosophy we can never do our best when we feel stressed and targeted.

Kids do well if they can changes the narrative to exploring- what's going wrong here?  What skill is missing?  What problem is unsolved?  Checking in with how well the child slept last night, when the last time they ate was and if they are sick or sensorily dysregulated.  It shifts the focus from the personal to the environment and things you can actually do something about.  Stress lowers and your repertoire of responses broadens.

Richard Lavoie's FAT City dovetails so nicely with this approach.  If you haven't seen it, although the hairstyles are a bit dated, I can't recommend it enough.  I wrote a bit about it here:  http://guidingfamilies.blogspot.com/2013/03/tuesday-tool-box-support.html

Until next week,

Lauren

Have a topic you'd like me to cover?  Just ask. :)

*Dr. Greene has many other wonderful clips that more fully flesh out these ideas, and the Collaborative Problem Solving Approach which I highly recommend http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents.  

His list of "Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems" can be quite eye opening as well http://www.livesinthebalance.org/paperwork*

Tool Box Tuesday: They'll repeat it- Part 1

Kids will repeat what they hear.  Many parents can share with blushing cheeks the first time their innocent sweet little toddler shouted *$&# in ear shot of the most unsuspecting stranger.

So if we know this, we might consider telling them things that are useful.  You are what you eat- you also believe and can turn out to be what you hear.

Consider the phrase "good job".  Oy, if I had a dollar for every time I've uttered it... and for the times students in turn told me, or themselves "Good job".  It's one of those useless phrases that really doesn't help a child identify what is going on that is allowing them to be successful and "earning" them that "good job".  It also doesn't really help them think about what is going on... or what to do next time.

Now consider these phrases...
"Wow- you're trying so hard to get that lace through."
              "You chose so many different colors."
                         "Yeah, you really like choosing the red one."
                                    "That must be your favorite."
                                             "It's so much easier when you do it like that."
                                                       "Well that worked much better!"
                                                                  "You never gave up."
                                                                           "You stuck to it."

If we know children repeat and internalize what we say, aren't be getting much more bang for our buck if what we are saying is something we'd like them to internalize, would like them to repeat to themselves and own?

Next week we'll do Part 2! Thinking more about how we can give kids opportunities to "borrow our brain" and decision making.

Kids do Well if They Can...

As a follow up the Always Never/Rule, it's great to refresh some of the ideas of Ross Greene...



Here he discusses the philosophy that we act from.  Do we see children as "Kids do well if they wanna?" or "Kids do well if they can?" It's quite a paradigm shift from what is popular.

Tuesday Tool Box: Always/Never Rule

"How could he not know it?!  We do it every single day!  It's always the same."

And there in lies the clue.  Always.

"It doesn't seem to matter, he never does it."

Ah, another clue.  Never.

These situations of absolutes- always... never... tell us that we are operating above our child's competence.  Kids (and adults) do well if they can.  So if a child is never or always doing something in a situation... it means they're not there yet to meet our expectation.  And that's ok.  We can change and bring them up to it.

And this is important, because while failure can be a motivator for success... too much failure is a recipe for incompetence and a motivation depressant.  And kids are very perceptive.  They recognize when they are not meeting expectation.

So what can we do?  We can close the gap.

Sometimes closing the gap means nixing what we're asking/expecting... for now.  Sometimes it means changing the environment or how we ask so that your child can experience success.

Here are a few examples-

     Never comes or responds when spoken to from a different room.  

What can we change?  Where we ask from!  No sense in continuing to ask for a response from a different room when he never responds.  Not only can it be very frustrating to the adult, it's also a failed scenario for the child.  Find the distance... and modality that the child can be successful from.  Start there and then begin moving farther away.

   Always has difficulty following his nigh time routine.

What can we change?  How much responsibility the child has for the routine.  What's needed from us for the child to start having more successes?  A visual check list?  Us to sing a song during the routine? A change of routine?

As the ratio begins to change at the child has more successes you can increase the complexity and expectations and build upon those successes.  It's a win win for everyone.

What are the Always/Never scenarios in your home?  What could be changed so that everyone could have more success?

Got a Question or Topic for Tool Box Tuesday?  Email rdimaui at gmail dot com.


And here's the annoying yet very true disclaimer- each kiddo is unique- take the tools and adjust them for your particular needs. :)

Tuesday Tool Box: Prioritizing

I got a call from an old colleague the other day asking about a student who couldn't read.  Along the course of the conversation she mentioned that the student couldn't really sit still or attend.

Stop.  Hold the presses.

One of the great challenges individuals with extra special needs present to us is knowing where to begin.  We can feel such pressure when an individual is "behind" peers. That we sometimes start where the peers are- they are tying shoes... ok student with special needs must tie shoes too.  They are reading in groups, student with special needs must read in groups.  It makes great sense... at the same time where we need to start, is where the student is.  This doesn't mean we stop setting goals far in advance of where the student currently is... but it does mean that we invest in the steps to get there.

I think of this great quote often,  "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.  Now put the foundations under them." -Henry David Thoreau.

We need to dream big dreams for our children, and we need to spend equal amounts of time considering the small foundational, irreplaceable steps to get there.  And while it may seem that we loose time by doing this in my experience we gain it.

What if we were to spend all our energy creating a reading program for a student who couldn't attend to a person?  We would have a beautiful reading program that completely missed the step the student needed to benefit from it.

So Tuesday Tool Box- be a detective for the small steps that may be missing and required to reach a goal.  Often even the simplest goal is much more complex to attain that we may give it credit for.

Resetting

Some days don't you wish you.. or your kids just had a reset button?  Wouldn't it be wonderful!  Sometimes you know you're going to need that button from the very moment you or your child wake up.

Acknowledging the need for the reset button is the first step.  Then from there here are some great ideas for actually achieve reset:


20 Ways to Reset when you or the kids are having a bad day

The Science of Tantrums

This is quite an interesting 8 minute program on the Science of Tantrums.


The Science of Tantrums

These researchers have identified a pattern that many tantrums follow, from anger to sadness and a whole journey in between.

Some of the recommendations are sound- no sense in attempting to argue or provide rational answers to an irrational child who is screaming their head off.  After all.. could you process what someone was telling you if you were in that state?  Of course not.  Ride it out with silence or short simple phrases or actions.

The last bit of advice they provide is when those all encompassing tantrums begin sucking you in to your own tantrum of frustration consider taking a step back and observing.  After all sometimes the best we can do is nothing while learning what to do later.