Toolbox Tuesday: Foundations for Understanding Behavior

I had the great pleasure of chatting with an old colleague of mine yesterday and we spent some time talking about all our oldies but goodies.  The resources, research and perspectives that never go out of style.   The perspectives that provide an overarching guide no matter what your focus.  As you dive into autism interventions you will find such a variety.  No matter the path that works best for your family, the foundational perspectives that guide you have a profound effect on everyone involved.

Over the next few Tool Box Tuesdays, I will be spotlighting the foundational perspectives that my work is rooted in.  When I pause to consider what the theme is that runs through them all I see a theme of respect of the individual.  And one might think, well gosh, that must be a theme that runs through all foundations.  But in my experience consulting with a wide variety of teams, this is not always the case.  Respect for the individual begins always with the social work motto of "starting where the person is" and grows from there with learning who the person is, who the person wants to be.  Recognizing their strengths and recognizing their right to a developmentally based approach tailored to their unique needs.

And so I've digressed from what I consider one of the foundations to understanding behavior:  Kids do well if they can- a motto - and then entire philosophy coined by Dr. Ross Greene.  Give the clip a look see below, then we'll discuss a little bit more how this plays out as a foundation.

Alright, "Kids do well if they can" fundamentally different from the foundation of "Kids do well if they wanna".  Let's first consider the extremely different roles these two philosophies put us, the adults in.  As he says, from a Kids do well if they wanna perspective I'm left with the increased motivation role and explaining the behaviors from a "testing limits", oppositional standpoint.  Let's take a moment to consider how this makes us feel.  As parents, we've all fallen into the kids do well if they wanna perspective and been left feeling like, "wooo, they are just trying to push my buttons today!".  Chances are with that narrative our own level of stress is going to rise and in turn this will impact our response repertoire by limiting it.  No matter your parenting philosophy we can never do our best when we feel stressed and targeted.

Kids do well if they can changes the narrative to exploring- what's going wrong here?  What skill is missing?  What problem is unsolved?  Checking in with how well the child slept last night, when the last time they ate was and if they are sick or sensorily dysregulated.  It shifts the focus from the personal to the environment and things you can actually do something about.  Stress lowers and your repertoire of responses broadens.

Richard Lavoie's FAT City dovetails so nicely with this approach.  If you haven't seen it, although the hairstyles are a bit dated, I can't recommend it enough.  I wrote a bit about it here:  http://guidingfamilies.blogspot.com/2013/03/tuesday-tool-box-support.html

Until next week,

Lauren

Have a topic you'd like me to cover?  Just ask. :)

*Dr. Greene has many other wonderful clips that more fully flesh out these ideas, and the Collaborative Problem Solving Approach which I highly recommend http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents.  

His list of "Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems" can be quite eye opening as well http://www.livesinthebalance.org/paperwork*

The Power of "Me too"

"The two most powerful words when we are in struggle: “me too.”

-Brene Brown

With school now in swing for a few weeks now, for many the honeymoon period of excitement may have worn off.  Mornings that were filled with excitement can start to drag.  Anxiety can even set in the night before, asking if there is school tomorrow.. starting to talk about not wanting to go... or even just tossing and turning.  And the mornings can be filled with slow movement and digging heels into the very idea of going to school or doing anything to get ready to go.  Thinking can become entrenched in "Don't want to go" thinking negating every positive experience.

This can be a perplexing, frustrating and difficult time for parents, teachers and kids.  Especially so when pick up is met with, "Wait, can't I stay a little longer!"  In the absence of anything majorly negative happening at school there are lots of options to navigate these situations.

Often our first gut reaction is to make a rational argument and appeal to all the positive experiences.  "You like school.... You love Ms. Smith." Often met with the exact opposite response... "No I don't, I hate it."  further entrenching thinking in black and white negative thinking.

We then might try to appeal to the "You're a big kid" argument.  Or "All the other kids are lining up.."  "How old are you again?"  For some kids this may be motivating, however for many, this can be interpreted as "You're not good enough right now."  "You're not meeting my expectations."  And for the kids who interpret those phrases in this way, even though not the intention, they can be distressing and make them feel increased incompetence, which turns into more resistance.

Another powerful option is available.  "Me too".  Sometimes we forget that there is comfort in knowing other people feel the way we do, and by recognizing that people feel the way we do, we have better standing to offer options and different ways to think about a situation.  "Me too" opens the doors and takes the pressure off any action.

Kiddo: "I don't want to go to school."
Parent: "Me too.  Sometimes I feel the same way.  That I don't want to do anything."
Silence
Parent: "I remember when I didn't want to go to school.  My mommy put a note in my lunch box.  It made going a little easier."
Silence
Parent: "I wonder if there is something I can put in your lunch box...."

Solutions and ideas might not be found that day and that's ok.  By joining in on the discomfort a foundation is being set for collaboration and acceptance for what the kiddo is currently feeling.

For kiddos who struggle putting their feelings into words, drawing emotions and giving them the words ("Your face tells me you are sad.") can help move understanding forward.

Mirror Neurons & Empathy

Fascinating research clip.

Watch the full episode. See more NOVA scienceNOW.