ToolBox Tuesday: The Always/Never Rule

Aloha,

After a Monday holiday Tuesday never feels quite right.  It dons too much of a Monday mentality.  So for this Toolbox Tuesday I'm bringing back an oldie but a goodie from 2013 that is a bit of an extension of last week's Kids Do Well If They Can.

So without further ado... the Always/Never Rule

"How could he not know it?!  We do it every single day!  It's always the same."

And there in lies the clue.  Always.

"It doesn't seem to matter, he never does it."

Ah, another clue.  Never.

These situations of absolutes- always... never... tell us that we are operating above our child's competence.  Kids (and adults) do well if they can.  So if a child is never or always doing something in a situation... it means they're not there yet to meet our expectation.  And that's ok.  We can change and bring them up to it.

And this is important, because while failure can be a motivator for success... too much failure is a recipe for incompetence and a motivation depressant.  And kids are very perceptive.  They recognize when they are not meeting expectation.

So what can we do?  We can close the gap.

Sometimes closing the gap means nixing what we're asking/expecting... for now.  Sometimes it means changing the environment or how we ask so that your child can experience success.

Here are a few examples-

     Never comes or responds when spoken to from a different room.  

What can we change?  Where we ask from!  No sense in continuing to ask for a response from a different room when he never responds.  Not only can it be very frustrating to the adult, it's also a failed scenario for the child.  Find the distance... and modality that the child can be successful from.  Start there and then begin moving farther away.

   Always has difficulty following his night time routine.

What can we change?  How much responsibility the child has for the routine.  What's needed from us for the child to start having more successes?  A visual check list?  Us to sing a song during the routine? A change of routine?

As the ratio begins to change at the child has more successes you can increase the complexity and expectations and build upon those successes.  It's a win win for everyone.

What are the Always/Never scenarios in your home?  What could be changed so that everyone could have more success?

Got a Question or Topic for Tool Box Tuesday?  Email rdimaui at gmail dot com.


And here's the annoying yet very true disclaimer- each kiddo is unique- take the tools and adjust them for your particular needs. :)

Toolbox Tuesday: Foundations for Understanding Behavior

I had the great pleasure of chatting with an old colleague of mine yesterday and we spent some time talking about all our oldies but goodies.  The resources, research and perspectives that never go out of style.   The perspectives that provide an overarching guide no matter what your focus.  As you dive into autism interventions you will find such a variety.  No matter the path that works best for your family, the foundational perspectives that guide you have a profound effect on everyone involved.

Over the next few Tool Box Tuesdays, I will be spotlighting the foundational perspectives that my work is rooted in.  When I pause to consider what the theme is that runs through them all I see a theme of respect of the individual.  And one might think, well gosh, that must be a theme that runs through all foundations.  But in my experience consulting with a wide variety of teams, this is not always the case.  Respect for the individual begins always with the social work motto of "starting where the person is" and grows from there with learning who the person is, who the person wants to be.  Recognizing their strengths and recognizing their right to a developmentally based approach tailored to their unique needs.

And so I've digressed from what I consider one of the foundations to understanding behavior:  Kids do well if they can- a motto - and then entire philosophy coined by Dr. Ross Greene.  Give the clip a look see below, then we'll discuss a little bit more how this plays out as a foundation.

Alright, "Kids do well if they can" fundamentally different from the foundation of "Kids do well if they wanna".  Let's first consider the extremely different roles these two philosophies put us, the adults in.  As he says, from a Kids do well if they wanna perspective I'm left with the increased motivation role and explaining the behaviors from a "testing limits", oppositional standpoint.  Let's take a moment to consider how this makes us feel.  As parents, we've all fallen into the kids do well if they wanna perspective and been left feeling like, "wooo, they are just trying to push my buttons today!".  Chances are with that narrative our own level of stress is going to rise and in turn this will impact our response repertoire by limiting it.  No matter your parenting philosophy we can never do our best when we feel stressed and targeted.

Kids do well if they can changes the narrative to exploring- what's going wrong here?  What skill is missing?  What problem is unsolved?  Checking in with how well the child slept last night, when the last time they ate was and if they are sick or sensorily dysregulated.  It shifts the focus from the personal to the environment and things you can actually do something about.  Stress lowers and your repertoire of responses broadens.

Richard Lavoie's FAT City dovetails so nicely with this approach.  If you haven't seen it, although the hairstyles are a bit dated, I can't recommend it enough.  I wrote a bit about it here:  http://guidingfamilies.blogspot.com/2013/03/tuesday-tool-box-support.html

Until next week,

Lauren

Have a topic you'd like me to cover?  Just ask. :)

*Dr. Greene has many other wonderful clips that more fully flesh out these ideas, and the Collaborative Problem Solving Approach which I highly recommend http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents.  

His list of "Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems" can be quite eye opening as well http://www.livesinthebalance.org/paperwork*

Tool Box Tuesday: Communication in Context

I'm sure you've seen this video clip before.  It's been viewed over 134 million times on youtube since it was posted a few years ago.  I imagine many of those are from fellow professionals who work with children with social communication disorders and their parents.  We watch in awe because when you're in the thick of working through a social communication disorder it can be easy to forget or misunderstand, misremember what typical communication looks like and so important the order in which is grows.

In this clip we do not hear a single word.  Not one.  And yet a two minute shared conversation is taking place with no script.  We see clearly the foundations of communication with words - and without the foundations solidly in place, the words mean little.  Words without this foundation are out of context.

Consider the word, just the word, stop.  What does it mean?  Our first thought might be "cease something".  But is this always the case?  Grab a partner and say the word 'stop' in different ways, with different facial expressions.  Each time you do - you are providing context.  How does this shape the meaning of the word?

The first word any neurotypical child may say varies - however somewhere in that first 5-10 is often the word "uh-oh".  After all as parents we're saying it constantly as things go flying off the highchair tray and items are dumped out and dropped.  We're always saying it in context and with meaning to connect as well as explain.  Without any direct instruction infants/early toddlers begin using it in context, using it with prosody, and using it for the same reason - with meaning and to connect as well as explain to a communication partner.

This week consider how much shared communication is in the context of communication foundations that provide the stage for the meaning and use of words.  Add context by putting words in the background and bringing context - facial expressions, prosody, body language to the forefront.

Until next week,
Lauren

Tool Box Tuesday: Dusting this ole' blog off!

Aloha,

I always aspire to write more frequently as families ask so many wonderful questions and although it sometimes feels like you're walking alone - often so many of the same questions.  Lots of questions revolve around communication and speech.  I recently came across this video clip of some recent research on how the brain processes and organizes words and it re-reminded me of how important it is to know, recognize and be humbled by how humans learn to communicate.

What this clip and their research remind us is that we learn words... speech... communication in context.  In dynamic situations that are flexible in their understanding of words.  Words are not learned in isolation.  In fact, can you imagine the time it would take to learn all the different ways to map and connect the word house?  brother?  It's almost impossible to imagine.  And as time was given to discretely learning every word - what other experiences would be missed?

As we get ready to fill lots of space during the summer weeks - find times to embed words in the contexts of their experiences.  I will be writing on that topic next Tuesday.  Have a topic you'd like covered?  Let me know.

Best,
Lauren

Preparing for Hurricane Iselle and Individuals with Autism

I hope this finds everyone doing well.  Hopefully all of our preparations are for not and we enjoy a "normal"ish storm.  However, just in case it's good to be prepared with all the standard preparations as well as extra special care and preparations for kiddos on the spectrum and other conditions.

Depending on what has been successful in the past and the cognitive abilities of your child you may consider including your child in many areas of planning and preparing.

All of these strategies will need modifications to the unique strengths and areas of growth of your child(ren) and some may or may not be appropriate.

Get to know your safe area
   -In a calm and fun manner, practice sitting in the safe area in your house.  You might problem solve together what items might make the time more enjoyable- perhaps a favorite stuffed animal or toy.

Life without electricity
   -In this day and age we all need to prepare for what it's like without our favorite "i" device.  Depending on your child it might be helpful to either explain and make a plan B for when batteries run out or to put together a box of novel items (wrapping them is sometimes fun as it takes up more time and can be exciting) that can be used to keep things fun and redirect when needed from any loud noises or disturbances

Future Think
  -Explain (verbal or visually or both) some things that might happen- loud noises, windy, lots of rain etc AND the most important part all the choices available to the individual.  This might be nice to do in a personalized social story.

Sometimes loud noises scare me.
     I can... give mom/dad a hug, wear my ear plugs, squeeze my stuffed animal etc.

I usually go to school on Thursdays.  Thursday there will not be school.  The school is closed.
    I will be at home.  At home I can X, Y, Z

These can be written and kept out as visual reminders.

Keep it Visual
It's hard for all of us to remember the choices we have when we are stressed and scared.  The more stressed and scared we feel the less access we have to the more complex areas of our brain.  Being able to see our choices, schedule, what is expected etc. can help.  It takes a layer of "work" off our plates.

Keep a notepad or dry erase board to write down (with words or pictures) expectations, schedules or choices.

Wishing everyone a very safe end of the week and weekend.  All crossables are crossed that Miss Iselle and Mr. Julio are very kind over the next few days!

I will add resources as I come across them- and please also share resources that you have found helpful.
Best,
Lauren

Other resources
Hawaii State Civil Defense: Special Needs Information
http://www.scd.hawaii.gov/sp_needs.html

FEMA: Preparing for a Disaster with Individuals with Special Needs
https://s3-us-gov-west-1.amazonaws.com/dam-production/uploads/20130726-1445-20490-6732/fema_476.pdf

The Puzzle of Motivation

I ran across this video about motivation.  While the speaker is relating much of the work to business - I found myself relating it quite a bit to the field of autism and education in general.  He shares some very interesting research on the myth of the "carrot" helping to motivate.  What he finds is that if there is only one right, simple answer, having a big "carrot" or "skittle" will sure help the person do the task quicker.  However, if it is a dynamic problem that requires some creative thinking (think ALL social interactions and interpersonal problem solving) having a "carrot" actually decreases creativity and problem solving- because it narrows thinking and robs the individual of seeing the big picture.

As I watched it was yet another validation that the work we do in RDI- so focused on the process of thinking, not the product continues to be on the right track and bore out in research across so many fields.

Best,

Lauren

Tool Box Tuesday: They'll repeat it- Part 1

Kids will repeat what they hear.  Many parents can share with blushing cheeks the first time their innocent sweet little toddler shouted *$&# in ear shot of the most unsuspecting stranger.

So if we know this, we might consider telling them things that are useful.  You are what you eat- you also believe and can turn out to be what you hear.

Consider the phrase "good job".  Oy, if I had a dollar for every time I've uttered it... and for the times students in turn told me, or themselves "Good job".  It's one of those useless phrases that really doesn't help a child identify what is going on that is allowing them to be successful and "earning" them that "good job".  It also doesn't really help them think about what is going on... or what to do next time.

Now consider these phrases...
"Wow- you're trying so hard to get that lace through."
              "You chose so many different colors."
                         "Yeah, you really like choosing the red one."
                                    "That must be your favorite."
                                             "It's so much easier when you do it like that."
                                                       "Well that worked much better!"
                                                                  "You never gave up."
                                                                           "You stuck to it."

If we know children repeat and internalize what we say, aren't be getting much more bang for our buck if what we are saying is something we'd like them to internalize, would like them to repeat to themselves and own?

Next week we'll do Part 2! Thinking more about how we can give kids opportunities to "borrow our brain" and decision making.

Kids do Well if They Can...

As a follow up the Always Never/Rule, it's great to refresh some of the ideas of Ross Greene...



Here he discusses the philosophy that we act from.  Do we see children as "Kids do well if they wanna?" or "Kids do well if they can?" It's quite a paradigm shift from what is popular.

Tuesday Tool Box: Always/Never Rule

"How could he not know it?!  We do it every single day!  It's always the same."

And there in lies the clue.  Always.

"It doesn't seem to matter, he never does it."

Ah, another clue.  Never.

These situations of absolutes- always... never... tell us that we are operating above our child's competence.  Kids (and adults) do well if they can.  So if a child is never or always doing something in a situation... it means they're not there yet to meet our expectation.  And that's ok.  We can change and bring them up to it.

And this is important, because while failure can be a motivator for success... too much failure is a recipe for incompetence and a motivation depressant.  And kids are very perceptive.  They recognize when they are not meeting expectation.

So what can we do?  We can close the gap.

Sometimes closing the gap means nixing what we're asking/expecting... for now.  Sometimes it means changing the environment or how we ask so that your child can experience success.

Here are a few examples-

     Never comes or responds when spoken to from a different room.  

What can we change?  Where we ask from!  No sense in continuing to ask for a response from a different room when he never responds.  Not only can it be very frustrating to the adult, it's also a failed scenario for the child.  Find the distance... and modality that the child can be successful from.  Start there and then begin moving farther away.

   Always has difficulty following his nigh time routine.

What can we change?  How much responsibility the child has for the routine.  What's needed from us for the child to start having more successes?  A visual check list?  Us to sing a song during the routine? A change of routine?

As the ratio begins to change at the child has more successes you can increase the complexity and expectations and build upon those successes.  It's a win win for everyone.

What are the Always/Never scenarios in your home?  What could be changed so that everyone could have more success?

Got a Question or Topic for Tool Box Tuesday?  Email rdimaui at gmail dot com.


And here's the annoying yet very true disclaimer- each kiddo is unique- take the tools and adjust them for your particular needs. :)

Tuesday Tool Box: Prioritizing

I got a call from an old colleague the other day asking about a student who couldn't read.  Along the course of the conversation she mentioned that the student couldn't really sit still or attend.

Stop.  Hold the presses.

One of the great challenges individuals with extra special needs present to us is knowing where to begin.  We can feel such pressure when an individual is "behind" peers. That we sometimes start where the peers are- they are tying shoes... ok student with special needs must tie shoes too.  They are reading in groups, student with special needs must read in groups.  It makes great sense... at the same time where we need to start, is where the student is.  This doesn't mean we stop setting goals far in advance of where the student currently is... but it does mean that we invest in the steps to get there.

I think of this great quote often,  "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.  Now put the foundations under them." -Henry David Thoreau.

We need to dream big dreams for our children, and we need to spend equal amounts of time considering the small foundational, irreplaceable steps to get there.  And while it may seem that we loose time by doing this in my experience we gain it.

What if we were to spend all our energy creating a reading program for a student who couldn't attend to a person?  We would have a beautiful reading program that completely missed the step the student needed to benefit from it.

So Tuesday Tool Box- be a detective for the small steps that may be missing and required to reach a goal.  Often even the simplest goal is much more complex to attain that we may give it credit for.

Tuesday Tool Box: Spotlight the Problem, not the Solution

Back by popular demand:  Spotlight the Problem, not the Solution

Being an effective guide is 95% mindset and 5% what you actually do. Our mindset and point of view are the roots from which all decisions are made. When I’m given a mere hour or half day to try to explain in a meaningful and practical way what RDI is, I focus on a simple phrase that encompasses a guiding mindset.

“Spotlight the Problem, Not the Solution”

Guides recognize that learning, and from there competence, comes with doing. It comes with struggling, thinking, failing and succeeding. Guides recognize their ability to make the most of regular ole’ interactions when they focus on spotlighting problems rather than solutions.

Bear with me during this illustration. Consider the following two phrases. Imagine them being said to you.

“Pick it up and put it here.”

“This is hard to figure out!”

This is kind of hokey, but literally feel your brain working as each is said. “Pick it up and put it here.” What’s your brain doing? Right, not too much; it’s pretty much basic compliance. A great skill to have no doubt, yet as a guide we know how limiting this can be for real world application.

How about the latter? “This is hard to figure out!” What’s your noggin’ doing now? It’s really trying to work something out. It’s refocusing on the problem, slowing down. It’s doing some dynamic thinking.

Consider the relationship that would grow out of the two phrases. One could perhaps be characterized by a director and actor, ever in need of direction. The other guiding.

Here are a few more examples. Notice how the focus changes from the solution tothe problem and the effect it has on the relationship and what learning and opportunities will happen next.

“Say Hi Daddy”	“There’s Daddy!”
“Pick it up.”	“Oh no!”
“Sit down.”	“Circle time.”
“Try again.”	“This is just not working.”
“Good job!”	“We’re doing it!”

Providing solutions rob individuals of the chance to make those dynamicproblem solving connections that we so want them to have. Providing solutions can also give a false sense of the true abilities of an individual.

No where was this more evident to me than during an observation of a first grader. It was reported to me that he could independently manage classroom routines and a paraprofessional was probably no longer necessary. In a 3 minute period of my observation I counted how many solutions he was given. I could barely keep up withthe tallies. In three minutes he was given over 40 solutions. “Write your name.” “Erase, you need capitals.” “Push in your chair.” “Go to carpet.” “Cross your legs.” “Raise your hand.” And on and on and on. Many were given within a second of other children performing the action and often repeated more than once. I cringe just remembering, and acknowledging that I was once that solution focused voice on quick repeat.

I offered the paraprofessional a much needed break and sat back and truly observed. The class moved along and he sat falling farther and farther behind. He had no ownership over any of the learning that had been taking place. He had been complying on auto pilot failing to take note of his role in his own actions. Solutions had been given and therefore his dynamic problem solving abilities remained stagnant.

“Spotlight the problem, not the solution.”

After modeling, practice, adjusting work load and figuring out what his unique processing time was, we put this mindset into practice. The goal was no longer for him move along, it was to see his wheels turning; to see him practice dynamic thinking. And think he did.

This change in mindset is big and it is hard to do. When we see someone struggling for a solution our mirror neurons (http://video.pbs.org/video/1615173073) fire rapidly. We literally feel them struggling and are pulled to relieve that tension by providing a solution. And then, seemingly overnight it becomes an automatic response. Before we know it we’re anticipating the problem and providing thesolution before the child even recognizes it. We become the solution managers instead of the opportunity givers, decreasing rather than increasing our child’s ability to function in the world. We wind up doing all the dynamic thinking work for our children who need the most practice at it.

We know that change in possible, and it starts with us, the guides providing an environment where dynamic thinking can thrive. Start by taking time to do… well, nothing. Slow down. Observe your child, you’re looking for their edge of competence and that’s a moving target. What I find most often is that folks are surprised by what problems their child can solve on their own. What competence building moments for our children!

Opportunities (problems) will start to arise. Shoes will be lost. Zippers will get stuck. Play ideas will make one person happy and not the other. Your turn will be skipped. As you slow down you’ll see your child resolve many of them leaving you an opportunity to spotlight their competence. Others will loom larger and you’ll see the solution and want to blurt it out immediately.

Hold that thought.

It’s in this moment that your child needs you to guide them. To scaffold, what you see so clearly. Clarify the “problem” for them; guide them in the right direction. You might have to do this more than once. That’s ok. What’s important is you leave that room, no matter how small, for your child to discover the solution. And who knows, it might be better than the one you had in mind! :)

“Spotlight the problem, not the solution.”

Here are a few more examples to consider

Child takes your turn while playing	Give “the look” and smile
It is taking longer than expected and you can see it on your child’s face	“This is taking a loooong time!”
Shoes are lost.	“I forget where we found them last time.”
There are 2 cookies and three people.	“Hrmm, this is a problem.”
Child looks hungry.	“I think we skipped snack today.”

Look forward to hearing your examples and experiences.

Got a Question or Topic for Tool Box Tuesday?  Email rdimaui at gmail dot com.


And here's the annoying yet very true disclaimer- each kiddo is unique- take the tools and adjust them for your particular needs. :)


Last week's Tool Box Tuesday:  "How was school today?"

Tool Box Tuesday: How was school today?

"How was school today?"
"Fine."
"What did you do today?"
"Nothing."

You can write the script before you even ask the question... which begs the question... why ask it?

 You're asking with the goal of connecting... and you're getting anything but... so let's change it up. 

Einstein has a great quote- “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”  How often we find ourselves in this situation!? So what can we do?

First let's examine our goal.  Most frequently our goal is to connect, share experiences with our kiddo.  We aren't actually looking for a detailed accounting of the day.  We want to see the world through their eyes.  We care about them and want to know what life was like today.  What we recognize for our goal is very important because it dictates how we adjust ourselves and what we determine is success. With a goal in mind, we can start to think about what we can adjust to make it happen.

"How was school today?" "What did you do today?"  Clearly not working.  Let's examine why it might not be working.  First know that even among neurotypical children- it's not a well liked or answered question.  In thinking about why it's not working we need to ask ourselves - Is it developmentally appropriate? Can my kiddo typically answer such broad questions?  These may sound simple- they're not.  Often even the easiest of social scenarios is much more complex than meets the eye. To answer a question assumes that you're able to shift your internal focus to mine just by me talking to you. A huge feat!

We might also have to think about the timing. Sometimes it can make all the difference. Being asked right when the kiddo is picked up or jumps in the car, walks in the house can feel like a barrage more than a time to connect. So often less is more.  Maybe one day you try not saying anything and see how your child naturally navigates the school -> home transition and when they seem fully transitioned from one activity to another.

So what would happen if we changed it up? What if instead of flat out asking, "How was school today?"  We started a little more concrete.  You might rifle through the backpack to find some piece of school work that was sent home, bring it to the child and say, "Wow!" or "Math facts again!?" "Pretty!" "You love spelling."  Or you point to the big grass stain on the pants and say "Recess was messy!"  By having something tangible to look at together we're bringing our goal of connection to a level our child can be successful.  We're also tapping into their visual memory which might be stronger.  It's much easier to remember something you can see than to brainstorm on the spot. Think of how much more you remember and can talk about when showing pictures of your vacation as opposed to just being asked cold, "What did you do on your vacation?"

In the same vein of providing a clearer map for the recall by using visual memory you might also try purposefully mis-guessing about the day. "It's Tuesday- you saw Ms. Smith." Especially if you know you're child knows that they only see Ms. Smith on Wednesdays.  This again brings things down to the concrete level and now you've got a conversation starter.  Chances are they might correct you.. and you've got an in.

Now you've got some true opportunities for novel connections instead of the same ol' same ol'.  Not everything will go as planned- that's ok.  Anything is better than hearing the dreaded... "fine."

 And here's the annoying yet very true disclaimer- each kiddo is unique- take the tools and adjust them for your particular needs. :)

What timing- heard this a few days after posting this!  "How to Tame a Testy Teenager"  Very similar tool box ideas- how can we change our reaction to avoid the scripted power struggle.
http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2013/02/11/171466505/how-parents-can-learn-to-tame-a-testy-teenager

Got a Question or Topic for Tool Bag Tuesday?  Email rdimaui at gmail dot com.