ToolBox Tuesday: The Always/Never Rule

Aloha,

After a Monday holiday Tuesday never feels quite right.  It dons too much of a Monday mentality.  So for this Toolbox Tuesday I'm bringing back an oldie but a goodie from 2013 that is a bit of an extension of last week's Kids Do Well If They Can.

So without further ado... the Always/Never Rule

"How could he not know it?!  We do it every single day!  It's always the same."

And there in lies the clue.  Always.

"It doesn't seem to matter, he never does it."

Ah, another clue.  Never.

These situations of absolutes- always... never... tell us that we are operating above our child's competence.  Kids (and adults) do well if they can.  So if a child is never or always doing something in a situation... it means they're not there yet to meet our expectation.  And that's ok.  We can change and bring them up to it.

And this is important, because while failure can be a motivator for success... too much failure is a recipe for incompetence and a motivation depressant.  And kids are very perceptive.  They recognize when they are not meeting expectation.

So what can we do?  We can close the gap.

Sometimes closing the gap means nixing what we're asking/expecting... for now.  Sometimes it means changing the environment or how we ask so that your child can experience success.

Here are a few examples-

     Never comes or responds when spoken to from a different room.  

What can we change?  Where we ask from!  No sense in continuing to ask for a response from a different room when he never responds.  Not only can it be very frustrating to the adult, it's also a failed scenario for the child.  Find the distance... and modality that the child can be successful from.  Start there and then begin moving farther away.

   Always has difficulty following his night time routine.

What can we change?  How much responsibility the child has for the routine.  What's needed from us for the child to start having more successes?  A visual check list?  Us to sing a song during the routine? A change of routine?

As the ratio begins to change at the child has more successes you can increase the complexity and expectations and build upon those successes.  It's a win win for everyone.

What are the Always/Never scenarios in your home?  What could be changed so that everyone could have more success?

Got a Question or Topic for Tool Box Tuesday?  Email rdimaui at gmail dot com.


And here's the annoying yet very true disclaimer- each kiddo is unique- take the tools and adjust them for your particular needs. :)

Toolbox Tuesday: Foundations for Understanding Behavior

I had the great pleasure of chatting with an old colleague of mine yesterday and we spent some time talking about all our oldies but goodies.  The resources, research and perspectives that never go out of style.   The perspectives that provide an overarching guide no matter what your focus.  As you dive into autism interventions you will find such a variety.  No matter the path that works best for your family, the foundational perspectives that guide you have a profound effect on everyone involved.

Over the next few Tool Box Tuesdays, I will be spotlighting the foundational perspectives that my work is rooted in.  When I pause to consider what the theme is that runs through them all I see a theme of respect of the individual.  And one might think, well gosh, that must be a theme that runs through all foundations.  But in my experience consulting with a wide variety of teams, this is not always the case.  Respect for the individual begins always with the social work motto of "starting where the person is" and grows from there with learning who the person is, who the person wants to be.  Recognizing their strengths and recognizing their right to a developmentally based approach tailored to their unique needs.

And so I've digressed from what I consider one of the foundations to understanding behavior:  Kids do well if they can- a motto - and then entire philosophy coined by Dr. Ross Greene.  Give the clip a look see below, then we'll discuss a little bit more how this plays out as a foundation.

Alright, "Kids do well if they can" fundamentally different from the foundation of "Kids do well if they wanna".  Let's first consider the extremely different roles these two philosophies put us, the adults in.  As he says, from a Kids do well if they wanna perspective I'm left with the increased motivation role and explaining the behaviors from a "testing limits", oppositional standpoint.  Let's take a moment to consider how this makes us feel.  As parents, we've all fallen into the kids do well if they wanna perspective and been left feeling like, "wooo, they are just trying to push my buttons today!".  Chances are with that narrative our own level of stress is going to rise and in turn this will impact our response repertoire by limiting it.  No matter your parenting philosophy we can never do our best when we feel stressed and targeted.

Kids do well if they can changes the narrative to exploring- what's going wrong here?  What skill is missing?  What problem is unsolved?  Checking in with how well the child slept last night, when the last time they ate was and if they are sick or sensorily dysregulated.  It shifts the focus from the personal to the environment and things you can actually do something about.  Stress lowers and your repertoire of responses broadens.

Richard Lavoie's FAT City dovetails so nicely with this approach.  If you haven't seen it, although the hairstyles are a bit dated, I can't recommend it enough.  I wrote a bit about it here:  http://guidingfamilies.blogspot.com/2013/03/tuesday-tool-box-support.html

Until next week,

Lauren

Have a topic you'd like me to cover?  Just ask. :)

*Dr. Greene has many other wonderful clips that more fully flesh out these ideas, and the Collaborative Problem Solving Approach which I highly recommend http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents.  

His list of "Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems" can be quite eye opening as well http://www.livesinthebalance.org/paperwork*

Kids do Well if They Can...

As a follow up the Always Never/Rule, it's great to refresh some of the ideas of Ross Greene...



Here he discusses the philosophy that we act from.  Do we see children as "Kids do well if they wanna?" or "Kids do well if they can?" It's quite a paradigm shift from what is popular.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

You are what you eat... you're also what you think.  Earlier this week I posted an interesting video portrayal of the power of thought- and how what we actually think effects our neurology.  Fascinating stuff.

It's the basis for much of Cognitive Behavior Therapy which recognizes that what we think about ourselves, our environment and relationships can impact our interactions with them.  So changing our narrative changes our behavior and perceptions as well.  Consider the individual on the spectrum (or anyone for that matter) who has an internal narrative "I am not good at anything.  I can not do it."  This can be common for individuals who so frequently engage in black and white thinking, or all or nothing thinking.  Sometimes linked to one negative experience in a sea of otherwise positive or neutral experiences.

What would the likelihood be that the individual would ever want to try anything new?  Slim to none!  Changing that internal narrative can have an immense impact on a person's ability to navigate the world.

Interesting is a blog post about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with individuals on the spectrum, complete with research findings.

CBT with Individuals on the Spectrum

Tool Box Tuesday: How was school today?

"How was school today?"
"Fine."
"What did you do today?"
"Nothing."

You can write the script before you even ask the question... which begs the question... why ask it?

 You're asking with the goal of connecting... and you're getting anything but... so let's change it up. 

Einstein has a great quote- “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”  How often we find ourselves in this situation!? So what can we do?

First let's examine our goal.  Most frequently our goal is to connect, share experiences with our kiddo.  We aren't actually looking for a detailed accounting of the day.  We want to see the world through their eyes.  We care about them and want to know what life was like today.  What we recognize for our goal is very important because it dictates how we adjust ourselves and what we determine is success. With a goal in mind, we can start to think about what we can adjust to make it happen.

"How was school today?" "What did you do today?"  Clearly not working.  Let's examine why it might not be working.  First know that even among neurotypical children- it's not a well liked or answered question.  In thinking about why it's not working we need to ask ourselves - Is it developmentally appropriate? Can my kiddo typically answer such broad questions?  These may sound simple- they're not.  Often even the easiest of social scenarios is much more complex than meets the eye. To answer a question assumes that you're able to shift your internal focus to mine just by me talking to you. A huge feat!

We might also have to think about the timing. Sometimes it can make all the difference. Being asked right when the kiddo is picked up or jumps in the car, walks in the house can feel like a barrage more than a time to connect. So often less is more.  Maybe one day you try not saying anything and see how your child naturally navigates the school -> home transition and when they seem fully transitioned from one activity to another.

So what would happen if we changed it up? What if instead of flat out asking, "How was school today?"  We started a little more concrete.  You might rifle through the backpack to find some piece of school work that was sent home, bring it to the child and say, "Wow!" or "Math facts again!?" "Pretty!" "You love spelling."  Or you point to the big grass stain on the pants and say "Recess was messy!"  By having something tangible to look at together we're bringing our goal of connection to a level our child can be successful.  We're also tapping into their visual memory which might be stronger.  It's much easier to remember something you can see than to brainstorm on the spot. Think of how much more you remember and can talk about when showing pictures of your vacation as opposed to just being asked cold, "What did you do on your vacation?"

In the same vein of providing a clearer map for the recall by using visual memory you might also try purposefully mis-guessing about the day. "It's Tuesday- you saw Ms. Smith." Especially if you know you're child knows that they only see Ms. Smith on Wednesdays.  This again brings things down to the concrete level and now you've got a conversation starter.  Chances are they might correct you.. and you've got an in.

Now you've got some true opportunities for novel connections instead of the same ol' same ol'.  Not everything will go as planned- that's ok.  Anything is better than hearing the dreaded... "fine."

 And here's the annoying yet very true disclaimer- each kiddo is unique- take the tools and adjust them for your particular needs. :)

What timing- heard this a few days after posting this!  "How to Tame a Testy Teenager"  Very similar tool box ideas- how can we change our reaction to avoid the scripted power struggle.
http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2013/02/11/171466505/how-parents-can-learn-to-tame-a-testy-teenager

Got a Question or Topic for Tool Bag Tuesday?  Email rdimaui at gmail dot com.